Archive for January, 2014

This latest post has been prompted by a recent incident at my mate Peter’s. Peter had invited a few of us over to celebrate him getting a job stacking shelves after hours in Tesco. So, there we were, listening to the usual rubbish music while stuffing our faces with tortilla chips and Tesco Finest sundried tomato houmous, when who should come in but Ollie…

Ollie, who never cries, gets sick or has a girly hissing fit.
Ollie, who is scared of no one and nothing, not even really enormous spiders.
Ollie who would rather die than break his word or lose at Battlefield 4.

As you can see, Ollie is quite a macho kinda guy….

So why on earth was he wearing black eye liner?

For a while I didn’t say anything. It was dark in Peter’s so I needed to get close to Ollie to actually be sure I wasn’t imagining things.
“Why are you staring into my eyes?” said Ollie as I sidled up to him on the sofa.
“I’m not!” I said, lurching back.
“Mate, if you get much closer you’ll be sitting on my lap!”
I cracked my knuckles, took a large gulp of beer and burped loudly. It was no good, I was gonna have to come right out with it. “Are you wearing, er, um, you know, um, makeup?” I said.
“Yeah,” replied Ollie. “Guyliner.”
I was about to ask why the hell he’d want to do that when Peter bounced over. “It suits you,” he said. “And you could make the look even better by adding a hint of Manscara.”
“Yeah, I may,” said Ollie, nodding. “Good idea.”
“You know you’d look great with guyliner Josh,” Peter said, turning to me and grinning. “It’d bring out the blue of your eyes. And a touch of blusher would nicely plump up those cheeks.”
I felt myself sway a little. I wasn’t sure if it was the beer, the houmous (which I noticed was on its date) or the fact that Peter had just suggested I plump up my cheeks!

Make-up? You get that stuff near me - I kill you

Make-up? You get that stuff near me – I kill you

Back home, a couple of hours later, I am doing some research on male makeup on the internet. I am shocked to see that according to a survey reported in the Huffington Post :

54% men use moisturiser
33% use wax (?)
29% have manicures
24% facials
13% eyebrow waxing
19% fake tan
9% foundation
11% bronzer
10% concealer

God, I suddenly feel the need to put on some Children of Bodom right now. Good old macho metal. The sort of music that takes no prisoners, that grabs weakness by the nuts and spits in its eye. That’s what I need now.
I open my latest CD and stare at a picture of Alexi Laiho that’s inside. He is giving the metal salute and there is…  there is nail polish on his fingers! It’s black admittedly but it’s nail polish all the same. It’s no good, I have to face the fact that my guitar hero is wearing make-up!