My Guide to Metal

So what exactly is metal? \m/

Metal is the best type of music on the planet. I know this because I have taste. Sorry if that sounds a bit arrogant but where music is concerned I am always right. Truth is, everything other than metal is mainstream crap. ​

Note: Metal is also a malleable, shiny substance that conducts heat and electricity, but you don’t need to know that unless you’re doing GCSE Chemistry.

Types of metal

There are reported to be over a million different genres of metal. Many metal classification schemes have been put forward and people have devoted whole lifetimes to their development. (Note: Postgraduate courses in metal classification can be found at most good universities.) ​

Examples of the many genres include: Grind core, Melodic death, Norwegian black metal, Symphonic Black ‘n’ Roll, Sludge metal, Funeral doom and Black Forest metal (nothing to do with chocolate cake) It is vital not to mix up any of these genres as doing so can cause extreme offence and lead to being punched in the face.

My favourite genre is Death although I have a secret liking for pirate metal. Please keep this quiet as it is a bit embarrassing – LOL!

How to recognsie Death Metal?

(Note: not be confused with Deaf metal)​

For the uninitiated it can be difficult to tell your death metal from your melodic death core and other metal genres. Here’s a quick guide:

Lyrics:

Lyrical concepts within death metal songs cover a huge variety of themes, including “satan”, “the devil”, “entrails”, “dying” and “death”. If the song features words such as “Yo”, “Ooh la la”, “sweet baby” or:

“I’m a Bad Boy
Wit a lotta ho’s
Drive my own cars
And wear my own clothes” it’s unlikely to be death metal. In fact, if you can hear any lyrics at all it’s unlikely to be death metal.

Speed:

Death metal is played very fast, 300 beats per minute is not out of the question. 666 is often aspired to as this is the speed at which the devil would  play.

Top 5 guitarists of all time
  1. Alexi Laiho (Children of Bodom)
  2. Kirk Hammett (Metallica)
  3. Dimebag Darrell R.I.P (Pantera)
  4. Zakk Wylde (Black Label Society)
  5. Kerry King (Slayer)
Awesome and seemingly as yet unclaimed band names – get in there quick!
  • Rancid Hearse
  • Vulgar death
  • Satanic Coffin
  • Undead goat
  • Eternal Inner Sanctum
  • Frenzy of Decapitation
  • Feral Pus
  • Black scorn upon thy infected shadow
  • Gore Shrine
  • Beyond the eternally lighted Candle (of death)
Best playlist eva!

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